I had a series for a while called Bad Dates, in which I talked about dating in my 20s. It was called Bad Dates for a laugh, but many dates were terrible. Now, I am in my 30s, and it feels a lot worse. Suddenly, I’m not swiping on guys who only want something casual or a one-night stand. I am swiping on guys who have kids, are recently divorced, or have just gotten out of a long relationship, so they are not looking for anything serious.
I have never been a girl who will automatically enter a relationship with someone. The last guy I dated, after two months of seeing each other, thought I was getting too serious. Though he said he never does ghost girls, he ghosted me. I thought about it afterward, as one does: what did I do? But then I realized I did nothing. I never said to the guy I wanted a relationship and told him! I said I would have to be dating him for a year before I even say he’s my boyfriend or I’m his girlfriend OR for him to meet my family and for them even to know his real name. The only thing I could think of that confused him was that I wanted to see him, hang out with him, and talk to him because I liked him. But you know what, even though at the moment it was annoying, a little hurt in the stomach, and questioning yourself and what you did, asking yourself what is wrong with you, why can’t a boy like you? I’m glad it ended because I probably would not have done anything I did after if it had never ended.
Now, in my 30s, I may be ready for a relationship. It would be nice to have someone to spend evenings with, go on weekend adventures or day trips with, someone who can cook and wants to go out to eat sometimes and do things with. Even though I may be ready for a relationship, that one quote still makes sense to me. The one that says...
"Not Every girl wants to be in relationship. Some just want good company, a guy to vibe with, converse with and laugh with. Not in a rush. Start off simple, and let the rest find itself. Having someone to talk to and feeling confortable around them is quite beautiful, and it's a good feeling."
Despite eating the grapes under the table at midnight and trying hard not to delete Hinge -and not for the reasons it wants to be deleted- my 30s are best spent dating myself. Doing things for myself and enjoying them. I have found it a lot easier to do things on my own when traveling solo because I refused to go on a trip and not experience it—but doing solo things at home is a little bit harder. Wouldn’t say I’m embarrassed or uneasy about sitting at the table eating dinner alone; maybe my anxiety is a little bit on when I think about it, but I know I can sit at the bar or bring a book. Normal factors play a role, like driving there, parking, how busy the place is if it’s new, and all the new place anxiety.
I have never been one to let your anxiety limit me. It just takes a while. That is why I am making a list of things and places I would like to do, see, and drink. And with the weather getting into spring, it’s time to come out of hibernation and winter blues. I’m doing this to live my 30 flirty and thriving life; I can be that woman who sits on the patio with her food and drink, reading a book, and going on that weekend trip somewhere, and not one I can drive to.
The List...
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